Elvira’s Macabre Mobile

I’m going to end this post on a very positive note because I won’t be starting on one. This is the story of how I came to actually hate something I used to love. Well, I came to hate a version of it anyway.

Every man in this world has his own version of the ideal woman. These notions are usually formed early on and sometimes don’t change. That is the case for me. I’m not going to go too deep into it because a full analysis of the film and its star discussed in this post deserves another post entirely.

I will say that as much as it surprises a lot of people who know me, I’m a guy who doesn’t have any tattoos. I run in the kinds of circles where I’m surrounded by them, but I just never settled on one. I do have ideas for a few I would like to have though. And I’m giving it some SERIOUS consideration.

Where’s this going? Who’s this woman I’m on about? Who or what would cause a grown man to finally pull the trigger on getting some ink and scream to the world, “Look at this! I love this person or thing so much I want them on my body every day for the rest of my life!”?

Well, I’ll tell you. It’s THIS vision of beauty:

Hooo, boy. Talk about putting steam in a man’s strides. So, it’s a no surprise that I’m also a MAJOR fan of this film:

Like I said, I won’t get into it. If you haven’t seen it, go take care of that right now. Seriously, get on it.

Assuming you have gotten on it, I don’t need to tell you that the main stand out in the film, aside from Elvira herself, is HER CAR. It’s a 1958 modified Thunderbird and is in my opinion, one of the most badass things ever put on film or wheels. In a better world, she and I are parked right now at an old drive-in, catching a triple feature of something campy. Her choice, of course.

So a year or so ago, it dawned on me that if I can’t own the real thing, I could at least own a smaller version. I hinted to a like-minded relative that I’d like to have an intact, unassembled model of Elvira’s Macabre Mobile, and a couple of Christmases ago, he surprised me with it.

I waited quite a while for just the right time to put it together and now…here we are. Unfortunately, things took some hard left turns along the way.

First off, there was the matter of glue. I hadn’t built a model car since I was a kid, but I did remember that you can buy glue specifically designed for them. I won’t bore you with the details, but after 2 mishaps and a lot of extra miles put on my car, I settled on my 3rd tube of glue, Gorilla Glue. It wasn’t actually proper modelling glue, but the package promised it was quick drying and would always dry clearly. (sigh)

Let’s grab a tool and start bangin’.

So far, so good. At this stage, I’m pretty excited. Seeing all the parts on their little frames brought back a lot of memories of building cars as a kid. I’m really looking forward to this. First thing up is the engine.

This was a tad challenging but only because at this point I was still working with dodgy glue, some white tacky crap that took 20 minutes to dry. I hadn’t made the switch to the clear stuff yet. But, the engine still turned out well, I think.

Next up, wheels. Still looking good. I love the white walls. Enjoy this while it lasts, kids. Things are about to get problematic.

This is where things started getting hard. Won’t you don’t see here is all the work underneath, including the shocks for the front wheels that just weren’t going on. I don’t know what in the hell kind of withered, little child hands they expect people to have when they build these things, but the parts for this thing are microscopic and near impossible to manipulate. There were no less than 4 tiny parts that were supposed to be worked into the bottom of this that are still rolling around inside the box. It was at this step that I uttered my first annoyed “fuck it” and started cutting corners. There are more to come.

Oh Christ, that damn back bumper. You have no idea how hard it was to get this thing on. Oh wait, yeah you do. Because you can clearly see how effing crooked it is. This gave way to my first rage filled temper tantrum in the process. It also wasn’t until I spent quite a while trying to get the license plate adheared DIRECTLY TO THE BUMPER that I forgot that it had, oh, I don’t know, a frame. Too late now.

Got the body and hood on. It’s starting to come together. You can also see that the Gorilla Glue doesn’t dry quite as clear as the bottle suggests. You know what else it doesn’t do? Come off your fingers. So, throughout the entire model, I left behind gluey, ripped off pieces of my own fingerprints. By the time the thing was done, I looked like John Doe in Seven.

And now comes the steering wheel. You know which one I’m talking about. This thing filled my head with all kinds of dark wonders as a kid. It was all Satan and chains and sex. I was convinced I would grow up to have one of these hellish things in my car. Somehow, many years later, I doubt I’ll achieve the same effect as she did in the 4-door Nissan I’m driving now, but a boy can dream. Oh man, do I love this steering wheel so.

So, despite all the struggle I’ve had so far, it might all be worth of it if I can successfully (and carefully) remove it from its plastic prison and get it attached. I’m practically giddy with anticipa–

OH C*CK S**KING MOTHER F**KING SH*T!!!

This piece of garbage exploded into 47 pieces the second I touched it. Fine. FINE, FINE, FINE. WHATEVER. What’s next? Oh, you have to glue a thin frame to the front windshield. You’ll then attach the sun visors and review mirror to that.

Broke the sonsabitchin’ thing in half. Fine. We’ll just glue it on to the windshield as is and it will line up anyway. We’ll get to that in a minute. But first, we have to assemble the front bumper, including the FRAME FOR THE LICENSE PLATE. Yes, there’s one on the front too. Let’s not make that same mistake again.

Oh, what’s that? You want to attach this ridiculously tiny piece of adhesive to an impossibly small triangle that is so small you can only manipulate only by toothpick and tweezers? Not going to happen. As you may be able to see in the picture, the sticker spent all its time curled up once it was wet and since I’m not a sideshow freak with impossibly tiny fingertips, the cause was lost. Fuck it (there’s another one), this bitch has got one crooked, messed up plate in the back. She’s not getting another one. Time to put on the front bumper.

That one actually went on relatively easy. But what’s all that white crap all over the windshield? Oh, that’s the “clear drying” Gorilla Glue. Yeah. Clear drying. See how clear it is. I SAID, DO YOU SEE HOW CLEAR IT IS? G**DDAMN IT, I HATE THIS THING.

These are the doors. It took me a couple of hours to put them together. I am not exaggerating. These small parts, assembled from only 3 pieces of glued plastic, each took over 2 hours to put together. You know where they are now? Not on the goddamn car, I’ll tell you that. Do you know why they are not on the goddamn car? Because the hinge that you have to use tweezers to attach won’t stay attached. Without that, they just flop there and won’t swing back and forth.

“But, DJD, can’t you just close them and glue them shut with the Gorilla Glue that always dries oh so incredibly clear?”

Oh, what a stellar idea. Let’s do that. That would work out fine. That would work out just fine. Just one little hitch though. Oh yeah, the doors won’t shut. Nope. Won’t damn shut. Not even close. I’ve followed the instructions to the tee here, but I can’t get these things to budge. Nothing’s lining up. So, more spare parts for the box. We’re up to no less than 3 “fuck it”‘s by this point and I haven’t even mentioned a few of the other teeny, tiny parts that were sacrificed along the way.

So, in the end, I made a valiant effort to salvage what I could out of it by rubbing some fingernail polish remover I had sitting around the house (don’t ask) all over the car to try to scrub out some of the glue stains. It helped a little. Here’s your finished train wreck of a product.

I’m not even bothering to put the top on. I just don’t have any more fight in me. At least the white walls look good.

In conclusion, I’m going to try to end on a high note here. The model car may have turned out to be an utter disaster, but I can at least take satisfaction that just five short months ago, THIS actually happened. Some dreams do come true.

Suck it, Monogram.

P.S. Just a few hours ago, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items. What I spotted made my black little heart grow 3 times its size

It’s my first sighting of anything Halloween related this season. Demon Treats! IT HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN. Stay tuned as we start counting down. Watch this space.